A toi

I just watched the video of me dancing to hannah's hardcore song recorded at your house with that little dance mingle moment with your dog. (i had my videos folder open bc i totally just recorded a video of SHAZZA SPORTS REPORTER out of boredom and being my ridiculous self.. omg, will show it to you later) and you know what we're good for -- that is what we're good for, that right there. being literally crazy talking in variations of Indian accents from 2-5 in the morning, when we've got the luxury of time and not a care in the world = truly, we are brilliant together then. so let's keep that great gem alive btwn us and just keep that in mind, really understand our friendship and its unique & special nature -- which is not practical, and can by no imagination ever be banal or boring, so let's not get worked up over small things that come up during any of our occasional ordinary and pedestrian interactions in this life; and when they do come up, let's just laugh it off, really. I sincerely mean that. And I hope knowing that can help light a smile on both our faces when we think of us. :-)

My Father

He breaks my heart...

A toi

Is it wrong that I think you have more a negative than positive image of me?

We just want to..

"I just want to wear boy clothes." -Shash

              Our debut album title, Ash?

¿Dónde termina tu cuerpo y empieza el mío?
A veces me cuesta decir.
Siento tu calor, siento tu frío,
me siento vacío si no estás dentro de mí.

¿Cuánto de esto es amor? ¿Cuánto es deseo?
¿Se pueden, o no, separar?
Si desde el corazón a los dedos
no hay nada en mi cuerpo que no hagas vibrar.

¿Qué tendrá de real
esta locura?
¿Quien nos asegura
que esto es normal?
Y no me importa contarte
que ya perdí la mesura
que ya colgué mi armadura en tu portal.

Donde (sin acento esta vez) termina tu cuerpo y empieza el cielo
no cabe ni un rayo de luz.
¿Qué fue que nos unió en un mismo vuelo?
¿Los mismos anhelos?
¿Tal vez la misma cruz?

¿Quién tiene razón?
¿quién está errado?
¿Quién no habrá dudado
de mi corazón?
Yo sólo quiero que sepas:
no estoy aquí de visita,
y es para ti que está escrita esta canción.

I agree. That is college. But it sure is one damn LONG and STRESSFUL 'joke'. And, I'm still not done. :]

I have coffee with fixings everyday. Fantastic turn of phrase! (au lieu de dire les maux-dits *tousse*tousse 'splenda et half&half').

Such a mystery. Not.

College = paying tons of money to become a chronic slacker, losing any semblance of a normal sleeping schedule and developing a habit of putting in the least amount of effort as possible. Also, sweatpants to class.

Job = getting paid to be a healthy and efficient person, in order to look and feel good for a task that demands genuine effort (usually). Also, decent clothes.

How does college make sense?

Of course, I really wouldn't be where I am now if it weren't for my education. But when I think about that college degree printed in bold on my resume, I can't help but imagine my employees looking at it and saying, "Okay, we see that you invested several years worth a buttload of money into last minute papers and pre-finals solitaire. Let us give you this job so you can make up for it and learn how to live as a properly functioning human being again."

I'm sure tons of people who actually try hard at school would be offended reading this. But seriously, college is a joke.

Let's see,

I had a coffee with fixings, chai tea latte, madeleines, dinner a la cafeteria, and cup noodles.

Tomorrow is a juice day, seriously.

Monday, week of April 18th

Today is not a liquid day as I've already had food. Some gross, burnt campus coffee with splenda and half&half. Did not do the job = I still yawned and stretched in my French class de la litterature d'avant-garde. Too bad I don't have an exterior keypad with just french/foreign language accents that can enable instant typing of accents.

Aujourd'hui,
In addition to coffee, I've had a bagel with butter, lunch in the cafeteria. So a substantial amount of food.
I have my synergy drink. Ahh I'm becoming sleepy.  I guess I don't have it in mind to really consume anymore today outside of water and perhaps some coffee/tea, and the rest of my synergy drink. Bon. I've wasted the past three hours walking around various places to find the perfect spot to get some work done = echec complet.

in my final quarter

I don't understand how i'm supposed to have the energy to get work done after my classes. I seriously don't get it. I'm dead. I have no more energy left after going to and from class and back. FML.

Diet Log: Two Days Late

Thursday, the 7th of April, year 2011.

Breakfast: cereal. Honey Bunches of Oats w/ almonds. Cereal is good for uggghhhh have to go to work in 20 minutessss mornings.

Lunch: udon and a piece of key lime cheesecake.

Speaking of cheesecake... my dad, when given a slice after dinner, observes thus: "What IS this, anyway? Is it bread? Is it pizza? Is it rice cakes?" Hilarious.

Dinner: dwenjanggook of moi, special ingredient shitake mushroom (soooo goooooood), and beef. Two cookies from the batch I made at lunchtime for my brother. My brother's not too into sweets, but he says "Maybe I SHOULD eat more sweets so I can help Ashley not get fat" and sticks a whole cookie in his mouth. Granted these cookies are rather small. I quite like the giant tub of scoop-it-yourself nestle cookie dough that I got from costco's. It seems to bake a lot better than the cookie dough squares we used to buy a long time ago.

Thursday, le 7 avril

Regular coffee with half&half, 2 splenda (don't judge). lol.
1 cheese danish from starbucks (hors de gras, hors de calories, environ 500, du mal, eh, n'importe quoi)
Small bowl of stir-fried noodles, vegetables, + pork
1/2 dinner roll
peanut butter and jelly sandwich
1 orange
1 boiled egg

Wednesday, 6 April

1/3 Energy Vitamin Water
3 packets ritz crackers (around 45 crackers)
Dinner: TOO MUCH FOOD. pasta, potato salad, narrow slice of pizza, coco puffs with lactaid. Sounds ridiculous, but actually could've been worse, smaller portions (for me). too much food, but definitely less than I usually consume. not an echec total.
1 orange.

Ehh.. eh... passable. A demain. Onwards.

le 5 avril 2011

scrambled eggs and tater tots with salsa and ketchup, juice squeezed from half a grapefruit
 medium vanilla coffee with half&half, two packets splenda
salad with rice, avocado, etc. and dressing
pineapple coconut smoothie
luna bar
1 packet ritz crackers (16 crackers about)

April 4, 2011 Semi-fast, aka not a fast

Two and a half packets of Ritz crackers (about 15 crackers in each stack).
One tall Americano with half&half and one packet Splenda from Starbucks. Don't judge. haha. 

rehsumeh: Hopefully under 1000 calories.

Diet Log: Too Much Kimchi

022811.

Had a strong craving for ramen so, ate ramen for lunch. Was hungry again an hour later so mom made a tasty snack of avocado and tomato slices on toast.

Kimchi japchae (mother's specialty) for dinner. My appetite was unusually big tonight and I ate a lot. Walked to Fushion Sushi (on PCH) with my mom to pick up my dad who was eating/drinking with a business client. Shared a cup of coffee with her on the way.

Insert grapefruit and orange in there somewhere. I eat fruit multiple times a day so it's hard to keep track of it all.

Diet Log: Too Much Coffee

022711.

I've accepted the fact that Panera will be a constant in my life for as long as I'm living with my parents. Ate half a souffle and at least 3 cups of coffee. Black.

After church, driving to LA for kimchi ingredients! For lunch, seafood soondubu at BCP, BCD, whatever it's called. So. Much. Food. I can't eat that amount in one sitting anymore. It's only seven but I know I won't be eating dinner.

Made kimchi for the first time! Two types: thinly sliced radish kimchi and baechu kimchi. My mom guided me through the proportions and such but I did most of the work. Am one step closer to trophy wife-dom.

Might eat some mini cream puffs before the night is over.



I still like the soondubu at Chodang better.

LE GRAND RETOUR

it's not impractical or impossible or whatever you said to log everyday, but we are impractical and illogical beings...... so yeah. haha.

I don't know what's been going on with my diet/weight. Haven't been doing it i guess. i want to lose weight but i'm so preoccupied with other things right now i like don't have time to really make an effort to lose weight. i suppose it'd be easy to just not eat at all and then i would lose weight, but my penchant for wasting time induces me to consuming food, and even if that wasn't the case I would eventually get hungry or need to eat so as to not die. erhm. yeah. i suppose i could try, prioritize my diet. in other areas of my life, namely school, i've accepted my failures, so i don't feel as shit anymore about coming up short and failing cos i've accepted that i'm a failure. like it's not stressful when you don't care so much. but i must remember to not let that affect the work I actually produce. the work i actually produce should be done properly. i've just accepted the time i have and spend not doing my work, and will try to no longer bring myself down about it.
anyway.. i have to go downtown in the morning for a lecture event thing. and also need to get a few things for my personal living while i'm there.

I will try and lose weight. i basically can only allow myself to live a half-life while i'm not satisfied with my weight so i suppose i should care more to lose weight. ah... how it has so greatly shaped the person i am today. i came across that watch you gave me, the flower one from Korea. when I was ten, i had a pair of jean shorts with a butterfly patch on it. i remember wearing that with a white t-shirt that had very tiny flowers entrelaced with a vine. given the colors were earthy. but still. haha. i had no problem with that whatsoever. i guess I would've been more girly if I never got fat. so in a way, I'm glad I gained 8 lbs in four months and thought I was horrendously overweight at 108 lbs. at the start of high school. i may have turned out to be a worse person had I not.

Diet Log: 022411

I realize it's impractical and kind of impossible to actually do this every day, so. Logs to be dated from this point.

Weight report: lost 2 kilos. That equals to 4.4 pounds. Shazam!

Thursday:

Breakfast of two fried eggs before going to jury duty.

Sandwich a la moi at around 10 am because I was bored and hungry while sitting in jury room. Stacked in order: mayo, tomato, spinach, one fried egg, 3 slices of turkey meat, avocado. Ridiculously delicious. I think the tomatoes are what made it.

Dismissed at around 11:30. Had a latte at Barnes and Nobles because I didn't feel like going home. Lattes make good snacks.

Picked up my brother at 3 and baked yesterday's leftover pasta in the toaster oven with mozzarella on top. Was too impatient to wait until it was properly "baked" but still v. yummy.

Mom's cooking for dinner, not too much though due to the brunch + linner I had earlier. Ice cream for dessert.

Sounds like I ate a lot today, but it was all in small~medium portions and spread out throughout the day, so not bad at all. Except for the ice cream at the end. Curse that creamy goodness.

Am not exercising. At all. Will never be ready for summer.

Diet Log: I Don't Even Know

Was occupied this weekend with I don't quite remember except for the fact that I went to Sequoia with family. Ate moderate amounts of food every day since my last diet log.

Yesterday, Monday:

Breakfast with my parents at their most favorite place in the world, Panera. Didn't feel like food so ate a parfait (could SO make a much better one at home) and stole some of mom's coffee.

Before lunch, some grapefruit that we bought from one of those little open air markets on the way to Sequoia. Really good grapefruit. Firm, not too juicy, just the right amount of sour to go with the subtle sweetness. Yum yum.

Not food related: parents changed living rooms. Again.

Made my family kimchi fried rice for lunch, which was amazing, as always. Am considering opening a kimchi fried rice chain.

So I've decided that I'm not going to spend more than 7 dollars on any meal when I'm out of the house. For dinner, a 3 dollar chicken taco from Poquito Mas, and a 3 dollar latte from Peet's for dessert. Success!

Munched on cereal before going to sleep.

Tuesday:

No breakfast.

Sliced up an avocado to eat with bread but it was waaaay too unripe for consumption. Fail. Ended up eating three small slices of sourdough bread with nothing on.

Made stew for dinner. Beef, tomato, onion, carrot, celery, string beans, mushroom, potato, cilantro, salt, pepper, cilantro, chicken stock. Forgot to add garlic and peppers so was a little bland but still tasty.

I love cooking!

Surprisingly enough, purple radish seems to have dropped out of my life.

You can say fuck you to the world

It never was and never will be a fair fight. It's you against you x 7B + non-human forces. And that is why one shouldn't take themselves too seriously, or others either. Or, if you'd like, that is why one shouldn't take people too seriously, oneself included.

2ème journée

roasted chicken breast
two slices of wheat bread with butter
glass of water
peanut butter & jelly sandwich
venti coffee with half&half and sugar

Diet Log: Day 4

Thursday.

I actually kind of felt like I was on a diet today.

Didn't get out of bed for lunch because I didn't feel like eating. Mom called and said we were going out tonight, and by the time I got up it was already 2, so I just ate some cereal with raisins and half a glass of OJ. How American.

Dinner at Korean restaurant. It sucked. I want to go back to Korea and eat real Korean food.

Purple radish with a side of TV with my parents. This is becoming a daily thing.

And just a few minutes ago, a couple slices of white toast with a yogurutu because I was mysteriously hungry. I guess bad tasting food can do that to you. I'm still mysteriously hungry. May drink a glass of OJ. Still two hours left until Friday-- hope I can resist going to Ralph's and buying a pack of Nantucket cookies and eating it all in one sitting. Not likely to happen as I have no one to go with. Very tempted though. Okay OJ, here I come.

Diet Log: Day 3

Wednesday.

Seriously, excellent week to jump start my diet log.

Breakfast at the Starbucks in the mall. A rice crispy bar named Marshmallow Heavenly Something with a bottle of Izze soda (Clementine flavored). I kept staring at the words on the bottle that said "all natural" and "fruit" and "fat free" but it didn't make me feel any better.

After watching Tangled, lunch at Johnny Rockets. Hot dog with fries and a root beer float. I asked for no mustard but the waiter brought it out and it had mustard on and I wasn't gonna say anything but I guess I had this look on my face because suddenly he was like, "Oh, did you ask for no mustard?" and offered to take it back but I didn't feel like waiting for a new one so I just took the mustarded hot dog. And I think he forgot about my float also because I was half done with my hot dog and it still hadn't come out, so I had to ask for it. He also forgot to give us separate checks even though we asked beforehand. Once we finally got our separate checks, Ashley and I both paid with 20's, but when he gave us back our change we got eight dollars extra because for some reason on the receipt he put down that Ashley had given 28 dollars. Since we didn't know what to do we just left the eight dollars on the table without actually leaving any tip. The whole time we thought the waiter was really noob, but if he purposely manipulated the receipt so he could make an extra eight bucks, he is a genius and a thief.

Dinner was a bit redeeming: kimchi jjige à la moi. Again, at first, I couldn't finish the rice-- but as I sat at the dinner table alone while my mom was doing the dishes, I, without any thought, ate the rest of the rice with my fingers. You know, just picking up clumps of it and putting it in my mouth. Subconsciously. The bowl was empty before I knew it. And it was okay that that had just happened because I had spent the half hour before constantly washing my hands as I cooked.

More purple radish some time after dinner. This may become a daily thing.

Extra: potato, but not consumed. Mom sliced up a potato and gave me a potato facial. I don't know if it did anything. lol.

JOUR UN

7AM. Breakfast: scrambled egg whites, hash browns, salsa, ketchup, 2 slices of toast, butter; overall portion - large; meter - not to point of stuffed (really)
snack: coffee, donut, orange, banana, water
Rest of day: water, tba

Diet Log: Day 2

Tuesday.

No breakfast due to rolling around in bed until after noon. Again.

Leftover Curry of Mother for lunch.

Dinner at In n Out. Well-done fries. Omaigot.

Pinkberry at 9:25. Small original with the usual toppings.

What a great starting week for my diet log. Yeeeaaah.

Diet Log: Day 1

Monday.

Breakfast? Yeah, right.

Lunch? Sure, at 3 pm.

My brother didn't have school so I was going to take him to in n out and then get some things at costco, but I ended up rolling around in bed until 2 and then making udon and not going to costco because I was too lazy. After udon I had some ice cream from the gigantic tub of baskin robin's that I had acquired the night before. Cookies and Creme on top of Mint Chocolate Chip on top of Chocolate Fudge.

Mom comes home at 6:30 and does something crazy-- she takes the tofu/bean sprout soup that she had made a couple days ago and the spicy seafood soup that I cooked for dinner yesterday and heats it all up in one pot, because HER thing didn't have enough soup and MY thing didn't have enough not-soup. It was crazy but it worked. I ate all my soup but couldn't even eat half the rice because I was still full from the udon and ice cream.

Exercise of the day: walking to Ralphs to buy the pads that I was supposed to buy at costco.

Mom made me eat some purple radish once I got home from exercise. That stuff is actually kind of amazing for digestion but I can still feel the radish taste in my mouth hours later. Strong stuff.

Right around the time my parents turn in for bed, I take out the giant tub of ice cream and dig in once more. I don't like blaming things on my period so I'm just going to think of it as backlash for the last couple of weeks of obsessively watching what I eat.

Reading

The only books I read in childhood were Dr. Seuss books.